"There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?" John 6:9
What is in our hands is enough.
Some days I feel so busy that I could suffocate. Wait, no. That's what we like to call it, right? We're 'busy.' But more often than not, busyness is a disguise. In more occasions than I bet we're willing to admit, being busy is lack of trust. It's hard to see sometimes.
Right now I'm busy because the list of things I need to do to get where I need to be never stops growing...
I'm trying to grow a business.
I'm trying to pursue dreams for my life.
I'm trying to pour into people around me.
I'm trying to keep taking steps in a season of healing.
All of those things are journeys, and journeys require steps. So, to take matters into my own hands, I make a list of steps to take that will get me to where I want to be in each journey. The problem is that list making can lead to exhaustion, discontentment, disillusionment, hopeless feelings, and lack of self care. So I find myself in this no-win situation because I have so many steps to take and no time or resources to take them. I've gotten ahead of myself. I've gone out ahead of God. The problem is I put those things on the list. Heck, I made the list! We do it to ourselves, right? We make the lists and then we start working. We see where we want to be, we see what we want to grow towards or attain, and then we make a list of steps to take to get there. The list grows and grows and becomes daunting and overwhelming because we don't have the resources to check off every item on the list. So, we do it to ourselves. God didn't tell us to make a list. What he did do is give us what's in our hands today. He gives us daily bread.
God doesn't do lists, God does trust.
Let's go back to that. Why is this list making and step taking a lack of trust? Because of John 6:9, that's why. What is in your hands right now is enough.
Before Jesus performed the miracle of feeding the 5,000, He only had five loaves and two fish. That's it. Jesus held what looked like insufficient provision in his hands, gave thanks, and then a miracle of not just abundant, but over abundant provision unfolded because not only was there enough food, but there were baskets of food left over. And it all started with "not enough." (My adorable, awesome, fantastic, weird, goobery, lovely, loving, kind, wise parents, Will and Susie, talked about this, among other things, on my Mom's latest podcast if you want to hear more.)
If I'm trusting God with what is in my hands today and where I dream to be tomorrow, all the lists can fall away and I am not busy anymore.
Suddenly I have time to do Youtube yoga in the mornings.
Suddenly I have time to throw the ball to Bowie in the back yard.
Suddenly the jobs I have and money I'm making is enough.
Suddenly living in a tiny town in between Kenton's job and the resources of College Station (gym, food, etc) is no longer a strain.
Suddenly I'm content with where I am.
I took care of myself today. I did YouTube yoga in my office while Howie hopped around/on me and licked my face whenever I came down on my mat (No, Howie is not the dog. Yes, Howie is my bunny. Yes, my bunny licks me like a dog. No, I'm not kidding.). I took extra time to get dressed and feel like a real human. I took time to write this post.
Today I took care of myself because when I have gratitude for what's in my hands, my thoughts are transformed and my to-do lists become much less important. And honestly, there are a lot of things about my life that aren't 'ideal.' I could have a lot of reasons to keep feeling busy and unsatisfied. For example, the gym. This is a hard one. Navasota is in the middle of Camp Allen and College Station. There is one gym in Navasota, but there are no classes and it is very small and kind of expensive. I've looked at gyms and yoga/dance studios in College Station a lot because exercise is so important and life-giving to me. But it just doesn't make sense to drive all the way to College Station in the mornings for a gym because I'll have to come home to change and then drive all the way to camp after. All that driving alone adds up to over an hour. So there's an issue of time and convenience, but also budget, because I'd be going through gas like crazy. Therefore I've pretty much stopped working out, which means I've neglected self care, which sometimes contributes to feelings of sadness and dissatisfaction. And sometimes I work out at home, but we all know the struggles with that. All that to say, the gym issue has been a hard thing about living in Navasota. We've never resolved it because all of our options aren't great. So, I feel dissatisfied with my work out options. I make lists to try and fix it. Make more money. Schedule more in advance. Move this here, do that there. On and on.
But. What is in my hands right now?
I have a yoga mat.
I have a computer.
I have wifi.
I have a house in Navasota that God lead us to and I really love it.
I have a bunny that makes yoga at home 100x more awesome because sometimes he gets on my back when I lay on my stomach to prepare to do a plank. He's probably just trying to add weight to make me stronger.
What else is in my hands?
I have daily bread for by business. I have just enough to keep rolling. God is providing one day at a time. I'm not where I hope to be by the end of the month, but when I trust him with what I have now, even though it doesn't look like enough, I can make time for bunny yoga and quit neglecting my body. When I make lists, I have endless amounts of work to do to get to where I need to be. But when I trust God and thank him for what I have now, however 'insufficient' it may look, I have peace, rest, and can look forward to over-abundant provision.
And this can go with anything in our lives.
You think you don't have enough in you to keep pushing in your marriage? Give thanks for today and give trust for tomorrow.
You feel hopeless waiting on that spouse you've prayed for your whole life? Give thanks for today and give trust for tomorrow.
You are in a season of loss. You feel hopeless and need healing. Give thanks for today and give trust for tomorrow.
You need more money to provide for the basic needs of your family? Give thanks for today and give trust for tomorrow.
Go read John 6:1-14. God lead Christ to that mountain and he brought those 5,000 people to him. Jesus asked his disciples where they would find food to feed the people in order to test them, to scan their hearts for belief. He lead them to the obvious conclusion: we don't have enough to feed the people. Then Jesus demonstrates how we can have faith in tight situations: acknowledge what you do have, give thanks for it, and keep moving in obedience, trusting for the future provision. Every seemingly negative situation is an opportunity for our providing Father, Jehovah Jireh, to step in and take a few loaves and fishes and do something over the top beautiful.
What is in your hands right now?
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